Three-quarters of a year sober today. For most of my life, that would have seemed utterly impossible.
Every month, it becomes marginally easier, and marginally more normal. I still think about drinking a lot, and every time I plan a night out, my first instinctive thought is that I will be drinking, before I remember that I don’t anymore. It’s just one of the many ways in which I haven’t managed to detach my brain from drinking culture yet – for instance, I still automatically assume that I’ll have to wait a while before I set off if I’m planning to drive in the morning (despite the fact that I only properly got back into driving this year, after I got sober!) and when I’m offered a booze alternative like Nosecco or even ginger beer earlier in the day, my first instinct is that it’s a bit too early to start yet – when in actual fact, it would be perfectly fine to drink Nosecco all day long, as I would still be stone cold sober at midnight!
Drink is also showing up in my dreams a lot, usually in tandem with the strange reappearance of my recurring nightmares about my late cat, José, which have started happening a lot again after a few years of respite. As I expected, they usually take the form of ‘oops I forgot I was sober and had a drink’, similar to the ones I have about vegetarianism. Thankfully I’ve not recently dreamt about actually being drunk, which I always found to be a horrible dream even when I was still drinking.
I’ve got a slight backlog of booze alternatives to review, but hopefully I’ll catch up before the end of the year.
It’s been a very busy month and I’ve not really been looking after myself mental health-wise. I’ve already set a few things in place to make sure this is less of a problem throughout October.
I’ve had a fairly quiet one today. Yesterday was a fun but long day – I went to an ’80s nostalgia mini-festival at the Wheatsheaf pub in Newcastle in the afternoon so that I could see the Breakfast Club (the ’80s tribute band that played at South Shields a few weeks ago) again.
I was probably the closest person to the stage, but it was still difficult to see the band under that marquee. I reckon the venue were expecting rain!
Geth joined me for the second half of the gig, as well as some pub chips!
Both the Breakfast Club’s guitarist and the DJ complimented me on my ‘Rio’ top. Duranies represent!
After that, we went home to get ready for a night out clubbing. It took a little longer than expected, largely because our next-door neighbours are away and so their cat wants a lot of attention at the moment!
Cat cuddles are the BESTEST.
We took a quick detour to the Brewdog pub to meet up with friends and see the Re-Issues – yet another covers band! They had a lot of energy and really worked up a good atmosphere in the room.
More blurry gig photography. Highlights of this covers set included ‘Town Called Malice’, ‘Zombie’, ‘Sit Down’ and ‘Mr Brightside’.
Finally, we headed to Grey’s for the Rise Or Die synthwave night, NightDrive. It’s only the second time they’ve run the night (the first was four months ago, on Maundy Thursday), so it was really good to be able to hear some of my synthwave favourites on a night out.
Photo by Mish. I forgot to take a proper photo of my going-out outfit – will have to recreate it sometime soon!
I’m still finding nights out sober to be a bit difficult when everyone else is drinking, but hopefully I’ll get more used to it as time goes on. Either way, it would be nice if synthwave nights in Newcastle became a little more regular.
It was a long walk home from town (next time I’m taking the car!), so I didn’t get to bed until nearly 5am. As such, today has been a bit of a write-off! Geth and I ordered Domino’s for something to eat, and our friend Pete has been round to play some Keyforge with Geth, but we’re planning just to have a quiet evening with a film tonight.
Back to work tomorrow.
OOTD: ‘still half asleep’ outfit! T-shirt Gildan for Preverse (2015, modified 2018), leggings Miss Fiori (2015), boots Carefree (2017).
Today’s earworm playlist:
Timecop1983 and Primo – My DeLorean Timecop1983 and The Bad Dreamers – Back To You The Midnight and Nikki Flores – Jason Rod Stewart – Baby Jane The Midnight – Crystalline
I have been really late with catching up with all my blogging since I got back from holiday. I’m very busy with the day job at the moment and haven’t had much time. However, I finally have a chance now to post all about my travels – better late than never!
Geth and I drove up to Mum and Dad’s in Edinburgh on the Sunday to meet up with the family – my brother and sister-in-law Malcolm and Steff had arrived from Canada on the Saturday – before we all travelled north. On the Monday, it was another long drive up to Aberdeen, with a brief lunch stop in Arbroath for some chippy goodness – separate post to follow at some point!
It was a bit of a wait to get onto the ferry but I was pleased to find that the small cars were loaded first – this meant that once my wee Skoda was in place on the car deck, Geth and I were able to grab a good space for the family in the lounge bar for the evening.
It was a fairly pleasant ferry journey north to Shetland, although first-time sailor Steff found it a bit nausea-inducing. In the morning, as soon as I’d driven to the B&B, I found a space to get on with some work – August has been busy from the off this year!
That afternoon, Geth and I found a nice café called the Dowry for lunch – it was so good that we ended up eating there five days in a row! – and then went for a walk around Lerwick to plot out where we were going to do our long runs the next day. I hadn’t slept well on the ferry so I got a fairly early night before the run.
It was nice running around Lerwick – a good way to see the town again after twelve years, especially as we had to do three laps to make the scheduled 14k we were both running that week! It was back to the Dowry for breakfast, as I’d been eyeing up the waffles the day before, and decided I’d earned them after my run.
Probably completely undid any calorie deficit I’d accomplished with the run. Delicious though!
I had a fairly quiet Wednesday afternoon – I had a bit of work to do again – before meeting up with the family for a meal at an Indian restaurant where we’d eaten when we were last in Shetland twelve years ago.
On the Thursday, Geth and I drove down to Sumburgh so that we could visit the excavation at Old Scatness. It wasn’t really open when we were last in Shetland as it had only recently been excavated, but they’ve got a nice wee visitor centre nowadays. Geth loved the site and could probably have stayed there for another hour!
A bit windswept at the Old Scatness site!
Back in Lerwick, we had an afternoon snack at the Dowry, and a chippy with the family again for tea. (On reflection I’m amazed that I only put on half a pound during the holiday! I did do a fair bit of running though…)
Geth and I met up with Malcolm and Steff for breakfast (at the Dowry again, you’ll be amazed to learn) on the Friday morning, and then went to the Shetland Museum. The museum hasn’t really changed since we visited in 2007, but it’s always worth a poke around.
This is the deck plan that hung on the wall of the passenger deck of the St Clair IV, the P&O ferry on which we always travelled to Shetland in the ’80s and ’90s when I was a kid. I must have looked at that deck plan on the actual ship a hundred times back in the day, and the fact that it’s now in a museum makes me feel a bit old.
In the evening, we met up with relatives Joyce and Douglas at the Waterfront restaurant. There was a lot of fish eaten by everyone else, but I was pleased to find that the veggie option was my old favourite, pasta and pesto. Cheesecake too, which is always welcome (see forthcoming cheesecake roundup post).
On the Saturday morning, Geth and I packed all of our remaining stuff into the car and then went on foot on the Bressay ferry to get to the start line of Bressay parkrun. After parkrun, we visited Joyce and Douglas for lunch and a brief tour of Bressay in the mist, before heading back to Lerwick so that I could get some work admin sorted out courtesy of the Dowry’s wifi.
Later that afternoon, we all drove back to the ferry terminal, and Geth and I and the Skoda got onboard nice and promptly again! It was a slightly bumpier ride than going up, and again I found it difficult to sleep on the boat, but we arrived nice and early in Aberdeen and the Sunday morning traffic was so quiet that we were back in Edinburgh by ten o’clock.
We had a couple more days in Edinburgh – I had to spend all of Sunday and Monday working, but Geth and I were able to meet up with our friend Kieran on the Monday night, and then we went to the City Cafe with Malcolm and Steff to have breakfast with my cousin Freya and her boyfriend Ryan on the Tuesday morning, before Geth and I headed back to Newcastle in the afternoon.
Hopefully it won’t be another twelve years before I make it back to Shetland again!
Geth and I are back home in Newcastle after nine days of travelling! I have lots to update about from our travels, and will tell you all about it over the next few days. In the meantime, I am enjoying being back on my own sofa under a blanket (the weather has noticeably cooled, making me doubly excited for autumn) and not having to drive anywhere for a while (my wee Skoda has done some miles over the last week and a bit!).
Tonight I’m a bit too tired to do anything except veg, but I’m looking forward to getting caught up with everything tomorrow!
OOTD: back in my garden. Geth is not happy that the weeds have grown back while we’ve been away! Dress Primark (2018), tights Pretty Polly (2018), trainers Reebok (2013).
Today’s earworm playlist:
Queen – Somebody To Love Traditional – Fast Food Song* David Bowie – Fashion Mr Mister – Broken Wings Nick Heyward – Take That Situation The Midnight and Nikki Flores – Jason
*Specifically, the verse about the cars. If you were ever at Guide camp in the ’90s, you will know it.
After a quiet morning, Geth and I went out for a drive to an archaeological site this afternoon. I’ll do a more detailed post on it next week!
Other than that, I’ve just been enjoying time with family and having a bit of necessary downtime today.
OOTD: these old buildings are pretty cold when they don’t have fires going in the centre! Sunglasses Ray-Ban (2019), hoodie Gildan for Resistanz (2016), bag CXL by Christian Lacroix (2018), vest top Redbubble (2019), jeans Vivid (2018), trainers Reebok (2013).
Today’s earworm playlist:
Heaven 17 – Crushed By The Wheels Of Industry Classix Nouveaux – Is It A Dream? Ariana Grande and Victoria Monét – Monopoly Duran Duran – Save A Prayer The Buggles – Video Killed The Radio Star Devo – Whip It Rod Stewart – Some Guys Have All The Luck Queen – Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy Ed Sheeran – Castle On The Hill David Bowie – Absolute Beginners Nick Heyward – Take That Situation Duran Duran – Electric Barbarella
Yesterday did not end as well as it began. The UK railway chaos caused by the heat meant that Geth and I were unable to get from Newcastle to Durham for our race, so I had to DNS a race I’d entered for the first time since 2016 (when I couldn’t take up my place at the EMF 10k due to my brother getting married in Toronto the same weekend). Really annoyed about the whole thing! Next time I have to go anywhere during a heatwave I’ll be taking the car – the trains are just too unreliable.
I then had a bad night’s sleep due to the heat, so I’ve not really felt on top form today and haven’t got as much writing done as I would have liked. It’s been a long, muggy day – there was a heavy rain storm earlier this evening that’s made the air a little cooler, but it still feels pretty uncomfortable.
I may or may not be at parkrun tomorrow depending on the weather, but I will be in town either way as I’ve got a hospital appointment that I only found out about today.
OOTD: this outfit was highly appropriate when I put it on this morning, before the rain made it all grey and overcast! Sunglasses Ray-Ban (2019), dress Paradise (2013), shoes BHS (2016).
Today’s earworm playlist:
Martin Garrix, Macklemore and Patrick Stump – Summer Days Daniel Bedingfield – If You’re Not The One Arcadia – Say The Word Cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show – Time Warp Kylie Minogue – I Should Be So Lucky Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody George Ezra – Paradise
And a bonus track that Geth was humming earlier:
Haim Saban and Shuki Levy – The Mysterious Cities Of Gold Main Theme
Geth and I arrived back in Newcastle this evening after a weekend in Colne with the in-laws. I drove there and back and find that I’m getting more used to my new car now.
We had a nice quiet morning today and then went for lunch with my mother-in-law Anne – Boundary Mill in Colne have a nice new pizzeria. There was a lot of pizza this weekend so Geth and I will be doing Slimming World ‘SP days’ the rest of the week to make up for it!
A quiet evening in with writing and my 3DS before getting back to work tomorrow.
Mark Knopfler – Local Hero Duran Duran – Union Of The Snake Rod Stewart – Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? Duran Duran – Hungry Like The Wolf Hitoshi Sakimoto – Final Fantasy XII Main Theme Miley Cyrus – Mother’s Daughter
Time has really flown over the last few weeks. It’s strange to think I’ve managed another month of sobriety already.
I think my mindset has shifted a little this month. When I’m at the bar ordering a ginger beer instead of a cider, I’m no longer looking at the cider tap and feeling that desperate pang for something I can’t have, with my brain railing against the unfairness of it all. Instead, it’s been replaced by a calmer, more logical thought – a thought that goes along the lines of ‘yes, I really want that cider, but it would be a very bad idea for me to have it because of the way my brain works’ – and in some ways I’m becoming more able to detach from the emotional side of it.
If I think about the taste of alcohol, I still feel very upset. So I don’t think about it. This is becoming easier than it was.
Social situations are still difficult. I realised this past weekend that something like boardgaming is fine, even if everyone else is drinking alcohol – the focus is not the drinking, it’s the gaming, so I can forget that other people are drinking and I’m not. Just hanging around in the pub or club for hours is a different matter. It’s an issue that I think I will struggle with for a long time and that I think about a lot – I even covered it in one of the poems I performed last time I was at poetry night. I just find these situations to be very intense. First of all, everyone else is getting drunk, and it turns out that I don’t have the patience to deal with drunk people when I’m stone cold sober. Watching other people’s mental faculties failing in front of my eyes is alarming, distressing, and frustrating, and I find it very upsetting and unpleasant to be around. It’s a horrible reminder of what I was like when I was drinking, and at the moment I just can’t reconcile it with the celebratory thing it’s supposed to be. Secondly, I’ve found in the last few months that being around drinkers as they get louder and louder and less cognisant of the way that conversation is supposed to work is bringing up problems related to my underlying mental health issues. This is something that I think I need outside help for, and so I will be looking into that in the near future.
I was discussing my sobriety via text with my brother recently, and one of the things I said to him was that it’s been very strange getting to grips with not having the available mental crutch of ‘getting drunk’ anymore. Every so often it just hits me that it’s no longer an option for me, and the realisation leaves me feeling quite stunned. It’s partly because I’ve spent 2019 so far doing a lot of things that have been out of my comfort zone – getting back into pitching my books to agents, performing my poetry in public, performing with my ukulele class, getting back into driving, buying my car – and every single time I am scared and nervous because I’m about to do one of those things, my automatic thought is still ‘I need a few drinks to make this thing less scary’. And I can’t have those few drinks, and that is something that I just can’t get used to yet. There’s still a long way to go.
Booze alternatives I’ve reviewed over the last month:
Because I’ve been very busy this last month, I’ve not spent as much time utilising the online and offline resources (books, podcasts, talks, etc.) that have been helpful for me so far in recovery. I need to prioritise those a bit more over the next month while things are quieter, because I don’t want to take my eye off the ball – I’ve noticed a few insidious ‘just the one, no one will know’ type thoughts creeping in, and I need to be a bit more proactive in looking after myself.
Still no review posts at the moment because I’ve been busy catching up with admin and house stuff. I will get back to them tomorrow!
I went for a long-overdue haircut this morning, and then Mum and Dad popped in for a coffee at lunchtime – it was nice to see them (and to confirm that two cars will fit on our driveway, even if one of them is a giant Land Rover!).
I’ve spent the rest of the day doing house stuff and playing my ukulele. Geth is out boardgaming tonight, so the ukulele-playing will probably continue.
OOTD: new hair…and into the summer uniform despite the fact that it’s freezing. Glasses Emporio Armani (2017), t-shirt H&M (2018), jeans Miss Selfridge (2018), shoes 1st Position (2018).
Today’s earworm playlist:
Culture Club – Church Of The Poison Mind Heaven 17 – Temptation XTC – Senses Working Overtime Fleetwood Mac – Dreams Wilson Pickett – Mustang Sally Avicii and Aloe Blacc – Wake Me Up Sam Cooke – Wonderful World
The final day of the UK Games Expo today! Geth and I got up and checked out of the hotel early (so nice to have a car in which to store all our stuff!) so that we could get across to the NEC promptly. There were a few last-minute things we wanted to buy, and Geth had some game demos to see.
I then went to watch a seminar in the suites (an interesting Q&A with some boardgame designers) while Geth did a Keyforge side event. After picking up our unsold games at the Bring & Buy (we sold nine out of the twelve games we’d put in, which is a great hit rate – I will eBay the rest!), we grabbed some lunch and hit the road.
Back in Newcastle with our games haul now. A very quiet week ahead!
OOTD: I take a ride on this plastic sheep on the Sunday of UKGE every year. Glasses Emporio Armani (2017), jacket unknown brand (estimated vintage 1990s, bought at vintage shop 2003), t-shirt Doctor Who (2015), lanyard UK Games Expo (2019), skirt Gap (2007), trainers Reebok (2017).
Today’s earworm playlist:
The Midnight – Crystalline Gunship – Rise The Midnight Girl
