Let’s start positively. I’m really proud of the training block I did for this race.

It was truncated, like all my training blocks have been post-Yorkshire Marathon (because I’ve had too many big events to train for); I only had 10 weeks to train for this one after the Bridges to Boundaries Ultra and so started at week 3 of a 12-week training plan.

I followed a Ben Parkes plan as usual. Well, I say ‘as usual’. Last year I ‘followed’ those plans by doing the weekly speed session, long run and progression from the plan and then doing an extra 25ish miles per week on top of that via the three weekly TMBR social runs and then parkrun on a Saturday. I didn’t hit my Yorkshire Marathon goal time due to fatigue on the day and concluded that I must have overtrained.

Consequently, for the Edinburgh training, I tried to follow the plan more closely. It necessitated more rest days (streak saver days for me) so I dropped down to 1-2 TMBR runs per week and made sure to fit my parkrunning and social running into the plan, rather than the other way round. I found this difficult, as it was a disruption to my long-established routine, but I did see some signs of recovery as a result. Over the course of the training, my comfortable pace changed from about 10:30 min miles to 9:30 min miles, and while I found the paces on the tougher sessions very hard, I did generally hit them.

My existing half marathon PB (set at the Great North Run last year, which was a B-race en route to Yorkshire) was 1:55:22. I felt on that day back in September that I could have pushed harder and been closer to about 1:50, but I had made a decision early on in the race that it wasn’t the right day for it. For Edinburgh, I trained for an ambitious 1:45. My thinking was ‘shoot for the moon, end up in the stars’ – I knew I would still be fairly happy with a good PB if I fell a few minutes short.

In the last few weeks of the plan, my primary feeling was that I just wanted the race to be over and done with. This was not a good sign in hindsight, but I had been training for some race or other without a break for a year and a half – ever since Manchester Marathon training started on 1st January 2024 – and I was desperately looking forward to not having to do that for a few weeks. The day to which I was counting down was not the race itself, but rather the day after – when I could finally be free of training plans.

In terms of the taper itself, I felt similarly to the way I did just before Yorkshire: that I was still doing too much hard running and not getting enough rest. Taper science is a weird beast to me, and for years now I’ve been reminding myself ‘it’s a taper, not a collapse’ because I used to do basically nothing during the taper and that also wasn’t ideal. But for my last two A-races, I have not felt like I’m supposed to feel by the end of the taper. I’m supposed to feel fresh and fidgety and ready to run and I just… don’t.

When I was packing for race weekend on the Friday, I realised I only had one serving of Active Root gel mix left in my supplies. I needed three for the race. You can only get it online, so I took a couple of Active Root energy gel packets with me for my second and third fuelling points. I had used these for the Disney Dopey Challenge (as I didn’t fancy attempting to take bags of white powder with me on an international flight) and at Bridges to Boundaries, so they had been tested… but this would end up playing a role.

(Some background context: I am very sensitive to gels. I previously used High-5 and Science in Sport and both of those always made me extremely ill on long runs. I use Active Root nowadays because the ginger settles my stomach; I also take a KMC caffeine gel on the start line because it’s similarly gentle.)

Race weekend. Geth and I did a shakeout parkrun jog at Cramond on the Saturday (I am still collecting data on whether a shakeout parkrun the day before a race works for me or not, but for the moment I am tending towards it). I felt really stiff and sluggish at the start, most likely due to the long drive the day before. I felt a little less stiff by the end, but it didn’t really feel like my muscles were waking up at all.

I hadn’t slept well on the Friday night so had no problems falling asleep at 8pm on the Saturday evening after sorting my kit bag out and getting my pasta in. Edinburgh half is an early start (they sensibly get the half runners out of the way before the marathoners reach the Musselburgh part of the course) so it was a 4am alarm! I was waking up every hour on the hour but that’s standard for such an early start.

We arrived at the start in plenty of time (it was at the main uni campus this year, not at Arthur’s Seat like it had been when we did the marathon three years ago), did a fairly ineffectual warmup jog weaving around the crowds and the buildings of George Square (many weird flashbacks to my uni days) and found a sheltered spot out of the wind for gels and activations. Then Geth and I walked to our separate pens and found ourselves opposite each other on the barriers during the wait for the race start, which was nice as we could still talk to each other. I told myself I’d feel less anxious once I was running. I tried not to think about how impossible goal pace sounded right now.

The race started, and I wasn’t long after the gun (the benefits of being a bit faster these days and thus getting myself into faster pens!). As expected, I did feel less anxious once I was running. The course went through the city centre for its initial miles this year, which was motivating.

When my watch buzzed for mile one, I saw that I was a bit slower than target pace. I decided not to look at it for the rest of the race, as it might increase my anxiety. I’m still not sure whether this was a good idea or not.

At about two and a half miles in, after the out and back at the foot of Arthur’s Seat, I could sense that I was more fatigued than I should be and didn’t have the pep that I’m used to on fresh legs. This was exactly the same thing as what happened in Yorkshire and really sent me on a mental spiral for a few miles, as the most important goal for me – and I’d said as much to Geth the evening before – was that I did not want to feel the same way after this race as I did after Yorkshire.

I took my Active Root gel mix at mile three. It was a bit vile taste and texture-wise, as I’d put too much water in the flask. Gel fail #1.

I was generally in a bad mental place for the whole way between miles two and eleven, as the fatigue didn’t let up for that whole time. I kept the effort strong but knew my pace wasn’t what it should be. I was proud of myself for getting my gel packet open while running at mile six (hadn’t practised that during training, had always used my gel flasks!) but regretted it a mile later when I started feeling REALLY sick. Gel fail #2. I didn’t take my third gel (or its accompanying water) as a result, because I just couldn’t face it. Gel fail #3.

I felt a tiny bit better by mile ten because we were approaching the final out-and-back and I knew I’d be able to see Geth coming the other way at some point. When we passed each other, I didn’t have long to go before the eleven-mile marker, which was a good target, as was the turnaround point not long after that.

Unfortunately, the turnaround point was a turnaround into the strong wind! It had been behind us most of the way so not as much of a hindrance as we’d feared during the week, but it made the last mile and a half pretty tough. Frustratingly, mile twelve was also where I felt a bit of strength and adrenaline coming back to me, but it was too late by that point. As I hadn’t drunk anything since halfway, I did end up having a bit of water from the final water station, but that was also too little too late. I kept the effort going for the whole long stretch back to the finish, waiting and waiting to see that final turn. I knew I was nowhere near my goal, but I was sure that I had at least achieved a PB.

I had not.

I stopped my watch on the finish line and finally allowed myself to look at it. 1:56:00 dead. 38 seconds slower than my PB from last year.

I felt the disappointment descend as I walked across the finish area to collect my bag and meet up with Geth. I had given all the effort I had in me under the circumstances of the day, but it wasn’t anywhere close to what I had hoped for, and I didn’t feel it reflected the training I had put in for the race.

A few days later, I am still disappointed. Lots of people have said things like ‘don’t be disappointed!’ but I feel that I’m allowed to be disappointed and to sit with those feelings for a bit. But as ever, I am regrouping and trying to work out what it means for training and goals going forward.

It has certainly taken the shine off the first week of my long-awaited training break – I really wanted to be celebrating more this week – but I think I would have found this week a bit strange either way, as not being on a training plan is really throwing me. I’m sure I’ll get used to it… just in time for the point when I need to get back on a plan again!

I am a lot more anxious about this October’s sub-4 marathon attempt in Amsterdam than I would have been if Edinburgh had gone to plan. I feel that I need at least a 1:50ish half in order for the sub-4 to feel possible. That is now entirely resting on the GNR (my only remaining half before Amsterdam) and I would have preferred that to be a bit less up in the air.

My plan for the Amsterdam training block (this was my plan pre-Edinburgh and remains my plan now except that it’s now a plan with MASSIVE ADDED ANXIETY) is to do the 15-week Ben Parkes marathon training plan but do it a week early, turning it into a 16-week plan with an extra week of taper at the end in order to get more rest in. My theory is that my various chronic conditions (in particular the spondylitis) necessitate more rest than the average person in order for me to feel properly fresh and tapered.

HOWEVER Geth also has a counter-theory (which he admits is a bit out there): that the taper is actually bad for my running because it makes me stiff and sluggish. His evidence for this is last year’s GNR, which I ran during peak marathon training (I’d actually done a 20-miler on the Tuesday and badly gashed my knee during a fall – so I ran that 1:55 with a 20-miler in my legs and a stiff and swollen knee, and still felt like I could have been a few minutes faster on the day!). Given that the spondylitis is meant to be kept at bay by regular exercise (though not always in my experience and I don’t think that particular bit of medical advice really holds at my level of running), it’s not a totally mad theory. This means that I’m now massively anxious that my Amsterdam plan of attack might actually leave me in a worse place.

Another aspect of the Amsterdam plan: given that I trained for sub-4 at Yorkshire and ended up with a 4:16, then trained for 1:45 at Edinburgh and ended up with a 1:56, I have decided to train for 3:45 in the hope that it will get me that sub-4. I’ve looked at the training paces on the plan and they’re very doable considering what I’ve been doing during the Edinburgh block. I’m far more confident about this aspect of the plan than I am about all the taper stuff (let’s just hope it doesn’t all unravel the first time I have to do one of the dreaded long runs with goal pace sections).

I’m not feeling great about things in general. But the best thing I can do during my five-week training break is just try and forget about all of this for a few weeks. Hopefully I can start Amsterdam training with a clearer head as a result.

(And make sure I have enough Active Root gel mix this time…)