Life without alcohol update: three months sober

It’s taken a while, but life without alcohol is gradually starting to feel like it could, sometime soon, be the new normal. During the first couple of months of sobriety I felt absolutely manic – I would swing between being absolutely delighted about the benefits I was already noticing and utterly devastated at the thought that I could never drink again, sometimes within the space of about thirty seconds or so. Things have slowly calmed down over the last few weeks, and I’m beginning to feel a bit more serene on good days and at least stable on not-so-good ones.

Flowers

It’s still not easy, and I don’t think it ever will be. I’ve not gone a day without thinking about a drink yet. But I’m getting better at being in situations where I would have drunk in the past – the brief moment at bars when my mind goes straight to cider is getting shorter and less upsetting, and thinking of myself as an ex-drinker and saying to people ‘I don’t drink anymore’ is feeling less alien now. I’m starting to be okay with my glass of ginger beer, even when everyone else is having something alcoholic.

When I was drinking, I relied utterly on alcohol to deal with what felt like impossible situations due to my social anxiety. Three months into sobriety, this is still the most strange and confusing thing for me. The excess nervous energy I’ve had since I stopped drinking has resulted in an attitude of ‘must do absolutely everything I’ve been procrastinating about for my entire adult life IN THE SPACE OF FOUR MONTHS’, and so my life at the moment is non-stop with work, writing, pitching, playing music, marathon training, driving practice, and getting all those niggly annoying jobs done that have been put off for years and years. It’s great to feel like I’m actually achieving things – I would have been thrilled at Christmas if I’d known how much I would actually get done in the first quarter of 2019 – but it does mean I’m pretty much constantly out of my comfort zone, often in a social-anxiety-related way. I am hoping that this will calm down as the year goes on.

Booze alternatives I’ve reviewed over the last month:

My ginger beer obsession continues unabated, as you can probably tell!

I’m still listening to my podcasts and making use of online and offline support resources. I’ve also been reading a few helpful books on my Kindle, though I don’t have as much time as I would like for reading at the moment.

It feels for the first time like sobriety really could be something that’s manageable over the long term. I’m hopeful that month four will continue to feel relatively calm and stable.

On with the projects

The ukulele concert last night was great! Our ‘absolute beginners’ group were first on, and after that I was able to relax and watch all the other groups (there are seven ukulele groups in total among the Sage Gateshead adult music classes) to see what I can expect from classes in the future. Will be signing up to the ‘beginners’ group for next term later this week!

I’ve had quite a good day today – I did my last speed run of marathon training this morning (next week the taper will have started and all of my runs are meant to be at slow pace!), lost a bit at Slimming World (not as much as I would have liked but it’s going in the right direction), and got some writing done in the afternoon for various projects.

More bits and pieces of writing this evening, and hopefully another productive day tomorrow.

OOTD 4th April 2019
OOTD: I’d hoped to be putting the jumpers away soon, but it’s got cold again! Jumper Carlo Colucci (vintage 1980s, bought at vintage fair 2017), leggings Primark (2018), trainers Reebok (2013).

Today’s earworm playlist:

Blue Öyster Cult – Don’t Fear The Reaper
Lou Reed – Perfect Day
Queen – One Vision
Wizzard – See My Baby Jive
Bananarama – Nathan Jones
Ariana Grande – Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored
Pink – Try
Jess Glynne – Hold My Hand
Madonna – Papa Don’t Preach
Fleetwood Mac – Dreams
T.Rex – Get It On
Jim Diamond – I Should Have Known Better
Arcadia – Say The Word
Duran Duran – Serious
Slade – Mama Weer All Crazee Now
Chicory Tip – Son Of My Father
Simply Red – Holding Back The Years
Paul Brady – The Island
David Bowie – Absolute Beginners

And a bonus track that Geth was humming earlier:

George Formby – When I’m Cleaning Windows

Phone Box Thursday: B3215, Belstone Corner

This is one of Mum and Dad’s phone box finds while out on their travels – it’s another one from Devon.

Red phone box
Red phone box, B3215, Belstone Corner, 11th September 2018.

(Coordinates 50°77’08.5″N, 3°94’86.0″W.)

Interestingly, this box and its surroundings appear to have been tidied up a bit between the Google Street View photo in April 2017 and the September 2018 photo above! New coat of paint from what I can see. Nice to see a council doing proper phone box maintenance.

My twenty-year veggieversary

It’s fairly cliché to bemoan the fact that 1999 doesn’t feel like twenty years ago, so I won’t dwell on that. But even though it’s hard to believe it’s two decades since Easter Sunday, 4th April 1999 – the day I became vegetarian – I think twenty years is something worth marking.

1999
1999 – the year I started making my way through the world as a vegetarian.

I was fourteen then. A child to my eyes now but a fully-fledged adult as far as I was concerned at the time. I’d been weighing up the pros and cons of vegetarianism for about two years, and took the leap because it seemed there weren’t many cons left worth considering. I’d always been uncomfortable with the fact that meat was actually just rotting animal corpses. I didn’t like most red meat dishes anyway, hated seafood, thought poultry was utterly cardboard-tasting. Pretty much the only remaining drawback was that I wouldn’t be able to eat gummy sweets because of the gelatine, and that seemed like a small price to pay for having a good excuse not to eat burgers (blech) or anchovies (double blech) whenever I was out for a meal.

I wouldn’t say it was hugely difficult to be vegetarian in 1999. Restaurants did always have at least one veggie option on the menu, even if it was usually lasagne. But it was a world away from 2019, where even vegans have a range of choices in many restaurants, and dishes are clearly marked. The most difficult thing was eating out in continental Europe, which was not (and is still not particularly) veggie-friendly, and threw up the side challenge of attempting to make a successful meat-free food order in a different language. I ended up developing a list of standby options that I knew were safe: spätzle in Germany, galettes and crêpes in France, tortilla española in Spain, margherita pizza in Italy. These have served me well to this day.

It’s funny how vegetarianism has become so second nature to me over time. I never feel deprived from not eating meat, or like there’s something missing, and it actually feels quite jarring when I have to explain to somebody new that I’m veggie – because it feels like such a normal thing not to eat meat. Standing in the meat aisle at the supermarket when Geth is choosing bacon feels like looking into a subculture I don’t understand – the animal flesh on display looks cold and clinical and completely unappetising – and because I’ve never eaten meat as an adult, I’ve never learnt how to cook it, so it just feels like something completely removed from my world.

I’ve been thinking about the above a lot over the last few months, because I’ve been trying to compare it to the experience of giving up alcohol. It would be nice to think that in twenty years’ time, I won’t miss alcohol at all or even think about its existence most of the time. However, I’m not quite that optimistic, as it’s not a totally comparable situation. I was never the biggest fan of meat anyway, and it’s not an addictive substance. I’m hopeful that sobriety will get easier, but I don’t think it will ever be as easy as vegetarianism.

I know I said I wasn’t going to dwell on the ‘where does the time go?’ stuff, but it is weird to think that I’ve not eaten meat since the 20th century. I still remember vividly the taste of the meatstuffs I did like – bacon, salami, real haggis – and maybe that type of memory won’t fade, but I’m happy for it to remain a memory.

Over the last twenty years of vegetarianism, I’ve been stricter sometimes and looser sometimes. I’ve occasionally had gelatine lapses, though I can say for certain that I’ve not eaten animal flesh since the 4th of April 1999. I’m not as strict with rennet-derived cheese as I used to be. Sometimes I’ve eschewed leather products, sometimes not. I’ve occasionally considered going fully vegan due to my increasing discomfort with the dairy and egg industries, and I’ve occasionally considered dialling it back to pescetarianism (despite my dislike of seafood) in an attempt to get more protein into my diet.

But on the whole, right now, I’m very happy being a common-or-garden lacto-ovo vegetarian, and I think that’s where I’ll stay for the foreseeable future.

A creative Wednesday

I had another good day of writing and editing today, and got my book pitch sent off to a couple more agents. After this week, things will really quieten down for the month, so I’m looking forward to some quality writing time.

I’ve got the end-of-term ukulele concert tonight, so I will update you about that tomorrow!

OOTD 3rd April 2019
OOTD: ready for an evening out! Scarf Matalan (2016), jacket unknown brand (estimated vintage 1990s, bought at vintage shop 2003), t-shirt Punk Masters (2018), belt unknown brand (2003), jeans Alexander Wang Denim (2018), boots Primark (2017).

Today’s earworm playlist:

Mabel – Don’t Call Me Up
Duran Duran – Rio
Wham! – Freedom
Duran Duran – Winter Marches On
Oasis – Songbird
Queen – We Will Rock You
Charlie Puth – One Call Away
Arcadia – Say The Word
The Clash – White Riot

On the move

Most of today was taken up with running – I’m into the most intensive week of my marathon training before the taper and so even my recovery runs take all morning now – and driving, as I went out in a car from the car club again. Now trying to squeeze in a few writing-related things I need to do.

A slightly more relaxed day tomorrow, other than the fact that I’ll be performing with my ukulele group at the end-of-term show tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to seeing all the other groups playing so that I can see what the standard is once you move on from the ‘absolute beginners’ group!

OOTD 2nd April 2019
OOTD: comfy outfit for a slightly harried day. Jumper Ellend (vintage 1980s, bought at vintage fair 2019), leggings Primark (2018), socks unknown brand (2007), trainers Reebok (2018).

Today’s earworm playlist:

Suzi Quatro – Can The Can
Heart – These Dreams
The Cure – Kyoto Song
Leo Sayer – Moonlighting
Ed Sheeran – Castle On The Hill

Booze Alternative: Franklin & Sons Ginger Beer

Franklin & Sons is a soft drink brand that I hadn’t encountered until my trip to Inverness a few weeks ago. Geth and I found it in every bar and restaurant we went into while we were there, and have not seen it again since. It’s apparently a London brand, so I’ve no idea why I’ve only come across it in the far north of Scotland.

Anyway, I (obviously) tried every flavour, so you’ll be seeing a lot of their drinks in the next wee while.

Franklin & Sons Ginger Beer
Franklin & Sons Ginger Beer.

First up was the ginger beer, because my newfound love for ginger beer meant that this was obviously the one I tried first. It’s got the perfect level of spice! It’s quite sweet too. A really good ginger beer – I just hope I’ll find it closer to home sometime soon.

April power

I’ve got April off to a good start with a really productive Monday. Job done for a client, 1,000 words written for my Camp NaNoWriMo project, all my usual daily writing tasks done, plus I FINALLY got my book pitch sent off to an agent. Just the one, but I’ll be contacting another tomorrow, and the next day, and so on until I get through my agent shortlist. They all have different rules about submission so it’s a bit fiddly.

The weather’s taken a turn for the miserable (as expected – we had quite a nice March, so it goes without saying that April will be cold and wet!), so Geth’s decided to stay in instead of going boardgaming tonight. As such, I’ve got some pleasant-ish videogame sounds in the background while I’m getting on with my evening tasks (he’s playing The Banner Saga, so it’s all Viking grunts rather than nice JRPG music, but it’s still fairly relaxing).

More running and driving tomorrow, with a bit of writing squeezed around the edges.

OOTD 1st April 2019
OOTD: Geth wanted an ‘industrial’ background today. Scarf Marks & Spencer (2017), hoodie Sonar (2006), t-shirt Stella Stanley for Beauty Of Gemina (2014), jeans Vivid (2018), trainers Reebok (2013).

Today’s earworm playlist:

Duran Duran – White Lines
The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown – Fire
David Bowie – The Man Who Sold The World
Duran Duran – The Chauffeur
Arcadia – Say The Word
Charlie Puth – One Call Away
Ed Sheeran – Happier
Pink – Walk Me Home

And a bonus track that Geth was humming earlier:

Philip Oakey and Giorgio Moroder – Together In Electric Dreams

Music Video Monday: recent chart catchup

A couple more recently-released chart hit videos today.

Pink – Walk Me Home

It’s Pink in a red dress, defying gravity and dancing with shadows in a New-York-City-on-pause. Why can’t all modern videos be like this?

Sigrid – Don’t Feel Like Crying

I love the ’80s decor in this video, with all the art deco posters and the blinds and the plants! Great stuff.

Back to the actual ’80s next week.